Two
years ago I opened my very first Lechtturm 1917 dotted grid notebook
and sat down to begin my bullet journal. I had no idea what I was
doing, I just somehow knew I needed a bullet journal. I needed a way
to plan, I needed a way to doodle but most of all I needed a place
where I could ease my anxiety and depression and just be me.
After
my son Nikolai was born in 2012, postpartum depression hit me like a
rock. My husband was serving in the army on his first deployment and
I felt like I was not good enough for my son. He needed a mommy AND a
daddy. This depression lasted what seemed like a long time – and
what drew me out of it was finding the gospel and becoming a member
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (My conversion
story MAY appear on another post!) Having my Heavenly Father and
Savior back in my life brought a light to me that would last a few
years, until I had my twins. During that pregnancy, depression hit me
again. This time different than before. Not only was my family going
through a financial strain, expecting two new little ones – me
working part time in a restaurant and my husband working 60+ hours but
not bringing in enough for rent – but I had made the decision to go
back to school to become a dental assistant. I cried...a lot. I was
very...very stressed. I wanted it all to go away and worst of all I
felt as if my Heavenly Father had abandoned me. I knew it was
something I had to push through – even though I didn't want to. My
twins were born on December 21st,
six weeks early. They were so small, they had to stay in the NICU
until the were more developed. We almost lost my little
Hadley...needles to say, my depression was at its worst, and I was
dealing with what I later discovered was anxiety attacks. Once they
came home, life didn't get any easier. My doctor had prescribed
Zoloft, which my new coworkers instantly dubbed my 'crazy pills'
(PLEASE, if you know anyone who take an anti depressant, do NOT call
them crazy pills). I had to hide a lot of my feelings and I had to
learn how to wear a mask. I stopped taking my medication after a few
months...depression and anxiety had simply become a part of me. I had
to deal with it. I didn't like it, but I would live with it. I had
hit rock bottom and I was slowly...very...very slowly trying to dig
myself out of a huge hole.
One
day...in November 2016, I was mindlessly thumbing through Pinterest when
I saw it. A beautiful page someone had made called 'A Year in
Pixels'. I was amazed by it. A way to track and see your emotions...
that was something I never even thought of doing! I instantly knew I
needed this. I wanted to see how my days were and maybe, just maybe I
didn't have as many bad days as I thought I did. That's when I bought
my first sketch book that I called my 'doodle book' – with a year
in pixels being the first page you saw. It only took me three months
to see that what I thought was right...my bad days were far and few
between. They were there and they were in clusters but there was more
good days on the page. I also discovered that doodling helped calm me
down. If I felt an anxiety attack coming along I would doodle. Didn't
matter what – I would just let the pen figure out where to go. I
would find inspiration through pinterest and other social media
platforms...and in January 2017 I found bullet journals and I
knew...I KNEW I had to have.
After
searching for months for the right notebook, in May my wonderful
mother bought me my first bullet journal. I was so scared to use it
at first. I didn't want to ruin the beautiful dotted pages. But, the
desire to start was far larger than the desire to leave it a pretty
notebook. I didn't follow the 'rules' at all at first. No future log,
no monthly, no daily...no tracker...after all, a bullet journal is
what you make of it right? It wasn't until week or two into the
notebook that I did my first daily entry, giving myself tasks to do
and checking them off once they were completed. Checking off those
few things made me feel so good! So...accomplished! What a feeling!!
I wanted more. I made my first habit tracker, tracking my sons
reading homework. It branched to my chores, then to random things I
did each and every day. I was amazed at the things the bullet journal
could do! Then...my bullet journal gave me something I didn't know I
had. A talent. A way to be creative.
Hand
Lettering.
I
didn't know I could write the way I could. Looking back through my
first bullet journal, you can tell that with practice and patience my
lettering has changed. I am no where near perfect, but I plan to keep
going. I love to write my favorite song lyrics, my favorite
quotes...everything about that one small notebook made me feel so
good about myself. I soon wanted to share it with the world. Enter
Instagram! I would post here and there pages I was proud of, and my
new talent was getting noticed by friends and family. I then set a
huge goal for myself. A future blog. I had no idea when this would
happen – I just knew that one day I wanted to happen.
Bullet
journaling isn't the only thing that has helped me. I am still an
active member in my church and during our October General Conference
the women were given a challenge to read the Book of Mormon before
the end of the year. I thought to myself I had to do this, I hadn't
read the gospel since I was baptized and I felt that would help me. My
wonderful friend then introduced me to the amazing ladies at Line
Upon Line (seriously, check them out! www.lineuponlineco.com). It was a
journaling edition of the Book of Mormon. Being able to read the
scriptures, marking important things, taking notes and being able to
express myself in the wide margins...it became something I needed to
do on a daily basis. It reminded me of something that I had
forgotten. God LOVES me. He listens and he is there. He truly and
deeply cares for each and every one of us.
Then
it hit me, like a ton of bricks. I needed to share this with the
world. It was being screamed into my brain. I needed everyone to know
how this has helped and changed me. So – after months of prepping
and many...many first drafts...Bullet Blessings came to life.
My
main goal with this new blog is to help and inspire those with anxiety and depression, but ultimately this blog is for EVERYONE. I
want everyone to know that with God by your side anything is possible
and he truly does love and care for you. I still deal with anxiety
and depression on a daily basis, but through this it has gotten
so...so much better.
I
hope to help and inspire you! Thank you for all your love and
support! I can't wait to see where this goes.
With
love - Stefanie
